How do you create your own happiness? And how do you create your own misery? How do you create your sense of calm? And how do you create your sense of frustration? How do you create joy? And how do you create anger?
You’re reading this and wondering, how you have the ability to create these emotions — these states — and you do. You have more power within you to create happiness, frustration, anger, and joy than any external factor does.
I’ve seen this with my one-to-one clients where they’ll tell me exactly how they create a state. They’ll tell me how they’re feeling, and I ask them, “How did you do that?” there’s a bit of a pause as thoughts of ‘What do you mean?’ run through their minds.
“So and so did this… and this happened… that happened… that’s how the anger and frustration came about…” This feels logical to us and, of course, external factors do play a role and contribute to how we feel. External factors don’t create what we’re feeling, though.
There’s a journey from the external reality occurring to that state of being within you. The journey is usually unconscious because it’s not something you consciously think about — ‘Oh, I’m going to get into an angry state now.’ Or, when you see an animal you’re fearful of, you don’t think, ‘Okay, yup! This is the time to feel fear…’ — right?
While you don’t consciously decide it’s time to get into a state, you do do it unconsciously.
Let’s do a quick exercise.
Think of or see in your mind’s eye a time in the recent past when you felt a positive state — joy, peace, calm, happiness or excitement. Take yourself back to that time — see what you saw, hear what you heard, feel what you felt in that time when you felt a positive state. Then ask yourself, “How did I create that state?” Separate whatever had occurred externally, and think internally. What did you say to yourself that led to that state? What were you focusing on that led to that state? What were you doing with your body that led to that state?
These ingredients — your focus, your thoughts, your physiology — are what you put in the proverbial ‘bowl’ that created the outcome of the state you experienced, and a shift to one will create a shift to your state.
Similar to when the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) advised a person who’s angry to sit down: “If one of you is angry while he is standing, let him sit down so his anger will leave him; otherwise, let him lie down.” A shift in the physiology of a person who’s angry changes one of the ingredients leading to the state of anger, which will result in a shift in their state and they’re less likely to act out of anger.
Getting curious about how you create states — positive and otherwise — and being aware of what’s internally leading to what you’re feeling puts you in an empowered position where you can make empowered decisions for yourself. This is something I invite you to explore today by asking yourself:
How do I create my own happiness, joy, and sense of calm?
Journal it and have fun exploring, and feel free to comment with what you discover.
Now I got to know how I created my elements of happiness and elements of anger…
The Focus, Thoughts, AND physiology are the secret sources OF Any emotional state.
Jazakallahu khayran sister layinka. I have been following you since honest tea talk days, You are one of my favourite SPEAKERS I LOVE READING your POSTS AND WATCHING your videos. your content is therapy to me
Thank you for reading and commenting, Humera, I appreciate your kind words, and hope you’re able to start getting curious about the three ingredients in your ‘state bowl. — LS
In the last 18 to 20 years I do not remember such moments.sorry
My name is Fatima, I reverted to Islam 30 years ago, I have 2 daughters who are totally opposite from each other one is practising and the 15 year old isn’t, this is making me sad and frustrated. She goes out with her friends most days but out there I don’t know whether is happy or harming herself with weed, etc. All day she will be out no communication. At the moment the eldest one is away in China so she misses her alot, she hardly speaks to me and she doesn’t listen.An you advise me what can I do to remain calm, thank you sister. I am carrying a heavy load on my shoulder, trauma which occurred when I was 13.
Salaam, Fatima.
Thank you for bringing your question here. I admit that this isn’t the best platform to address this, but I do want to give you a reply as it’s clear you’re going through a challenging time with your younger daughter, and I can appreciate your worry and frustration. Here are some suggestions that may help you navigate this difficult period:
1. Practise patience and understanding. Teenage years can be turbulent, and your daughter may be going through her own struggles that she’s not entirely clear how to navigate. Remember that where she is now isn’t where she’ll always be, inshaAllah (as you can attest to as a revert – right?).
2. Keep lines of communication open and create opportunities for casual conversations where you just get to connect with her instead of diving into what might be going on for her. This helps to build safety and trust.
3.Consider family counselling to explore what’s going on.
4. Explore activities and interests that you can share together, even if they’re not directly related to religious practice. This helps reestablish connection that seems to have broken down.
5. Take care of your own mental health. Consider seeking professional help to address the trauma you mentioned, as this can impact your ability to cope with current stressors.
6. Maintain your own religious practice and let it be a source of strength and comfort for you during this challenging time.
7. Try to find moments of joy and gratitude in your daily life, amidst the difficulties. This helps to create a more balanced perspective so your entire lens isn’t clouded by the challenge you’re currently experiencing.
Be gentle with yourself, Fatima, and hold onto the belief that with time, patience, and love, your relationship with your daughter can improve, inshaAllah. With every hardship comes its God-assigned ease.
I hope this helps, my lovely.